


Linger

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Post-Episode Drabble, fluff adjacent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 03:36:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's thoughts and actions after his attempt to re-bond with Dean in "Clip Show", complete with further attempts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Linger

Dean lingers.

He always does. He hasn't always done it, not at first, when Cas was just a stranger, was still _tiel_. Some-- body in a trenchcoat messing up Dean's life even further.

But then, sometime that was blurry, Dean had started to linger. With his hands, with his eyes, with his thoughts. On Cas.

Cas looked, because he wanted to see what he couldn't - what was inside Dean's head. And perhaps he even waited for Dean to tell him what it was, even though it was so difficult to get out of him.

He wondered if maybe sometimes, Dean's eyes stayed, because he considered telling Cas something of interest. Something that he was thinking about when he saw Cas. Something that Cas wanted to know, or rather, confirm. Something that Cas had thought about a whole lot.

It didn't seem like a priority, it didn't seem important, when there were wars being fought and attacks to prepare for. It didn't seem important at all, but Cas couldn't help but feel it was. Dean was his priority, his number one, and Cas could leave him and fight with him and hate him all he wanted, but Cas was still going to think about him. Put him first, even though he failed to act on that sometimes. He was always going to come back, the fights were always going to cool off and Cas... Cas would always love Dean again. Over and over. Harder than before he hated him, every time.

So when he finally came back again, he didn't worry that much. He already knew that he had left - but returned - they would fight - then make up - and they would hate each other a bit - but then love again.

Yet even though he knew how it would happen, no matter how right he was about it, when Cas entered the room and saw Dean, and greeted him, and Dean simply passed him... It still hurt.

That's the thing, though, isn't it. That even though it's not going to last forever, the fights still hurt. It still hurt Cas so indescribably much that when he looked at Dean and said "good morning", Dean passed.

Dean didn't linger.


	2. Hurt

“Dean, can we talk?”

“No, Cas, I’m sleeping. Go away.”

Cas doesn’t go away. “Do you hate me now?”

He hears a sigh from the pillows. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry. Really.”

BAM. Cas almost falls off the bed - but only in shock. He’s just gotten a pillow thrown in his face. 

“There’s nothing to talk about: I hate you, I’m sleeping, GO. AWAY.”

Dean turns to lay on his stomach and Cas can’t see his face any more. He wonders if it’s intentional, if hiding his face is what Dean wants.  Is he sad? Does he look like it? Or is he, in fact, angry?

Cas still doesn’t go away. He doesn’t care if Dean falls asleep while he’s sitting there, Cas will stay.

“Dean, are you sleeping?”

“Yes”, Dean grunts. He doesn’t sound like himself much, but it might be because his face is buried in pillow, yet Cas still cannot shake the feeling that Dean is sad, really sad.

“I don’t hate you”, Cas says.

“Good for you.”

“How do I make you love me again?”

Dean doesn’t reply as quickly this time. He seems to take a moment to lay entirely still while processing the question. Cas wonders if the question’s rude, or bad, or - worst of all -  _wrong_.

“I don’t know, Cas”, Dean says finally, almost whispering. “I want to know too.”

It hurts. Not like when Dean ignored him earlier, not like when he yelled his feelings at Cas. It doesn’t even hurt like being  _without_  Dean.

It hurts, because they’re both lost in this, because of Cas and his mistakes. His mistakes that he can’t undo, and now his apologies don’t work either. But it’s not because Dean is stubborn, or wants proof that Cas is really sorry.

Dean just doesn’t know either.

“I don’t want to sleep outside”, Cas says.

“It’s not outside, it’s a perfectly good bedroom.” Dean sounds a little grumpy, like before.

“I don’t want to sleep there.”

“Sleep on the couch then.”

Cas looks around for a moment, to find his place somehow. “I want to sleep here. With you.”

“Well, you can’t”, Dean says immediately, voice louder than before. “ _I’m_  sleeping here.”

It’s a fair argument. Cas doesn’t really have anything to add to that. He keeps sitting still on the bed, listening to Dean’s breaths that have gotten a bit quicker.

Suddenly, Dean turns and sits. He stares at Cas, somehow locating him in the darkness.

“Why?”, he asks. “Why d’you wanna sleep in my bed? Is it because you’re scared of the big, empty bunker? Or because you’re just all-around… inappropriate? Why, just tell me.”

Cas wants to say he doesn’t know, he just wants to, but it’s not true. Dean’s staring at him. It’s pressuring.

“I don’t know”, he says.

This seems to make Dean even more upset.

“What have I done to make you hang around me and latch onto me like some- some- what have I done to _deserve_  you?” It doesn’t sound as mean and attacking as Dean probably meant it, but he doesn’t seem to realise.

They’re quiet for a while.

“I miss you”, Cas finally gets out.

Dean shifts a little. “What?”

“I miss you”, Cas repeats, clearer. “That’s why I want to sleep here. I know we don’t really… talk anymore and you don’t love me right now. And you kind of hate me. But I would like it if I could rest here, with you, because I don’t hate you. I miss you. When I’m in the other room.”

Dean looks stunned. He probably doesn’t even realise his entire face is perfectly reflecting how speechless he is, but it does, for a long time.

“Dean…?”

Dean nods, slowly. “Yeah. Fine.” He frowns a bit and moves to make place for Cas beside him. “But no weird touching”, he adds as he lays down.

Smiling slightly, Cas takes off his coat and lays down under the covers.

He can feel the heat of Dean’s body, even if they’re quite far apart.

“You’re not undressing?”, Dean asks, back turned to Cas.

“I thought it wouldn’t be… appropriate”, Cas mumbles.

They lay there for a while, and Cas feels good about this, good about being beside Dean this way. He’s not…  _satisfied_ , but it’s good.

After maybe half an hour, it sounds like Dean’s fallen asleep. Cas closes his eyes.

“Cas? Are you awake?”

Cas opens his eyes again. Dean’s looking at him over his shoulder, without turning to face him properly. “No. What’s wrong?”

“Can you…” Dean makes an odd gesture that Cas doesn’t quite understand until he’s repeated it three times.

He moves over and lays an arm around Dean. “Like this?”

“Like that”, Dean says, and puts his hand over Cas’. He sounds calmer, sleepier, more peaceful. Maybe more so than Cas has ever heard him.

Cas feels satisfied now. He can feel the warmth now, directly, just like the skin and the rhythmic movement of Dean’s breaths. It’s very nice.

“I don’t hate you, Cas”, Dean says.

“I don’t hate you either.”

Dean’s hand squeezes Cas’. “I kind of love you. You know that, right?”

“Thank you, Dean.”

It’s quiet again. Cas feels tired but he goes over their conversation in his head a few times. He realises he’s done something wrong, and leans in a little to whisper to Dean,

“I love you too.”

Dean squeezes his hand again, hard.

But it doesn’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, in my honest opinion, got kind of crappy. Hope you don't think so, maybe. Uh.


End file.
